Surgery is tomorrow at 2pm.
Tonight, I feel incredibly sentimental. Like a part of my life is ending. Like a part of me is dying. I suppose both are true, literally.
I don't fear dying, if it comes to that. I just regret leaving so much undone and a mess. But there was never enough time anyway. Maybe life is, by nature, a big mess. You never truly get your affairs in order.
It's just that, suddenly, I miss all the people who have touched my life both in real life and in Second Life. Suddenly, I miss all the past moments when I have felt intensely alive. And the funny thing is that most of those moments were in a virtual world.
And maybe that's why I don't fear dying. Because I've already truly lived.
Maybe this is the moment that delineates the next phase of my life. Like that time when Jon and I were newly married and we had to move to Virginia. Then, there were so many unknowns that when I tried to imagine what would happen in the near future, I got a complete blank.
This time, however, I can see the future, but there's a blank gap between here and there and I don't know if I would bridge that gap or even how wide that gap is. Maybe it's the uncertainty that I fear. I've never dealt with ambiguity well.
Well, here's my first step into the void.
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