Heart troubles

While I was in the Bay Area for the holidays, I accompanied my mom to the hospital for some tests. Yesterday, I found out what the results were. Thankfully, she does not need open heart surgery, but she would need another stint. I think this would be her third or fourth stint.

Today, I saw my own doctor to discuss a slight abnormality in a routine EKG test done last December. She explained that the patterns indicate there's a possibility that some part of my heart are not getting enough oxygen. Since I don't feel chest pains, she doesn't think it's too critical.

Several years ago, I had heart palpitations that were so strong I could feel the fast irregular beating of my heart at the top part of my chest. The doctors did several tests which turned out normal; they couldn't find what was wrong. They could have done more advanced tests, but I declined. It's like car trouble -- when the mechanic is looking at it, the car works perfectly.

However, one of those tests was a stress test where they injected a chemical in my bloodstream to get my heart working hard. They thought this was better than having me run on a treadmill, but I got the impression that this chemical could, in fact, cause a heart attack. However, they assured me there would be a cardiologist in the room to monitor the entire process, and we were right next door to the hospital. Uh-huh. Like that's supposed to make me feel better.

So, they got me laying down on a bed and told me to relax. Then, they poked a needle into my right arm and administered the chemical. The nurse was by my side; the doctor on the other side of the room.

Then, I had a hard time breathing. I tried to get up. The nurse gently pushed me back on the bed. I told them I couldn't breathe. They said it was the chemical taking effect. I insisted I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was about to faint. The doctor said to breathe deeper or else I'd hyperventilate and lose consciousness. Didn't I just say I couldn't breathe?!? How could he expect me to breathe deeper?

I was panicking. I was crying. I was gasping for air. I felt like I was suffocating.

Then suddenly, after an eternity and a million "It's almost done" promises, I was fine again. Just like that! I even felt stupid that I cried like a baby.

So today, I told my doctor I didn't wanna go through that again. So she scheduled a treadmill test instead. That will be next Wednesday.

Then, there's this other kind of heart trouble -- dealing with some emotions. I think the main problem is that I don't think I should be feeling these emotions at all. They don't make sense and I can't permit myself to feel them, and there are several reasons why. To make matters worse, I can't even clearly define what these emotions are and why they're coming up. As Harmony would say, "I'm in confusement."

Maybe it's just my usual hormonal depression, coupled with my seasonal depression. I usually bounce out of those pretty quickly though. This time, it's been lingering for a while....