A Beautiful Mind

It's been a while since I wrote. I'm not as stressed as I used to be but still as busy. In fact, I had three exams last week.

Last Friday, I attended a Mentoring Circles session in the morning, along with five other first year women. The topic was about power. And as we went around talking about situations in our lives where we felt empowered, I told the story about changing the battery in the smoke detector for the first time after my divorce.

After the session, Heren and I went to lunch. Heren is in the other cohort but we're becoming close friends. For some reason, I felt compelled to tell her about Jon -- how we met, where we lived, why we got divorced.

Today, I finally sat down and watched "A Beautiful Mind". I got it from NetFlix.com a few weeks ago. Usually, I watch the movies the weekend after I get them, but not this one. It wasn't just because of my exams, because I watched TV when I needed a break, but also because I wasn't sure I was ready to watch it.

It had been recommended to me for a long time by several people, usually after they hear about Jon. Then I was having lunch with a classmate Oliver, who was talking about something discussed in class. He mentioned an economic theory that was developed by John Nash. Then he recommended the movie. I said I had the DVD at home and I was about to watch it. But I waited a couple more weeks.

Well, I never liked Russell Crowe, but in this movie, he reminded me so much of Jon. Facial expressions that Jon had. He could have easily been Jon. I know how Alicia Nash felt. I know the guilt she felt. I know the fear. I know the sense of imprisonment. The scene in the hospital when she realized that he had lost his mind -- I've been through that scene. Different hospital, different time, different words, same feeling.

The funny thing is that now I question this so-called reality all the time. I mean, how can we really know what reality is? How do I know that I'm really writing this? How do I know I'm not dreaming? Hinduism says that what we perceive as reality is actually God's dream. Other people have gone beyond that and said that reality is a collective dream. And since I believe we're each an aspect of God, it makes sense. What if I don't really exist?

Maybe I'm rationalizing myself into insanity. Or maybe I'm just dreaming that I am.